guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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