Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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