so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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