There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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