And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
