he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
