I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
