We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
