I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
we're so committed to being not committed
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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