if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
