He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
