Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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