Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
