$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
