Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
