I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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