Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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