The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
