Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
