First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
