This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
