I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize