i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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