A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
