sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
