I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
