you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
