The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
