The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
