someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
