nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
