.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
