i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
