Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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