i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
