i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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