Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
