Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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