i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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