so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
