first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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