dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
