ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
