He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
