why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
