Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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