Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
