u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
