I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
