We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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