Don't you send me to vm
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
