I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
